A lockdown state of mind – September 2021

Wish I could say I’m ok.

Wish I could say I haven’t been knocked down again.

Wish I could say that the antidepressants worked, despite the lockdown…

But in reality, I’m scared of what I will do, when the lockdown is lifted.

I was barely back on my feet – in a position where I felt there is hope for me to heal, forgive and mend broken relationships…

I was still trying to work out the balance between my needs, my wants, the needs of my family members and what healthy boundaries look like.

It was just a relief to have some regular time to myself, since both kids were at Kindy for a few weeks, without being sent home sick.

I think it was the Friday before or perhaps the Monday of the announcement that I cleaned a bathroom for the first time since we moved in.

“It’s just a week – we’ll be ok” I thought! And we were, since hubby and I did everything we could to make sure the kids’ needs were met (physically, emotionally & mentally).

Then, the news hit me like a ton of bricks…another 2 weeks of lockdown.

Initially I was filled with rage – I felt so betrayed by and disappointed in God. Then the weight of the situation meant I couldn’t get back up.

Suddenly hubby was forced into 3 fulltime rolls again – working from home; looking after the kids and…looking after his depressed wife.

I don’t know what matters, I don’t know the purpose, of anything or anyone

What does it mean, to be alone, when supposedly a team

Nobody cares, so why should I, dust in a nightmare

Sadness from a sound, the melody of a string, longing to be found

Escape the mind, closing in and away, brief peace is what I find

Relief for a moment, shattered by daybreak, unending, relentless torment

I want to die, take my life already! Relieve them from her cries

I asked for help, there was none

Confinement & restrictions, just make me want to run

Where on earth can I go, nowhere under the sun

When tears no longer flow, raindrops on a drum

My time may have come too soon, said by some

Between fight & fawn, from dusk till dawn

Load too much to bear – the end of this nightmare

~ A.A.

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